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It’s been way to long since I took the time to write her. I actually created a few other blogs that I never did anything with.  However in the past couple of months I realized I needed to make some changes with my life because I’ve been in such a depression for the past 3 yrs for sure. So many things happened in the past 4 years that I never had time to deal with one issues before another one was coming my way. Some where after everything settled down and all around me was calmer I realized I wasn’t in the right place myself. That I needed to make changes in my own life. So I started seeing a doctor to work through the depression and started taking meds. I’m feeling a lot better, I can only take one step at a time and one day at a time.

Now this is blog is about adoption and the after life of reunion right? Well I really don’t know much these days about all of that.  C did come for our family gathering in 2007. He brought his girlfriend with him which she seemed like a sweet girl. Nice visit with all the family.

I’ve had to really learn to let go of C. Knowing that at this time in his life he really doesn’t have time or room for all this extra family stuff. He may try and call me on my birthday or mothers day, or he’ll send a message. But they are so few and far between. I’ve really stopped sending things to him as in letters like I use to. I send the holiday cards or when I have new pictures to send and every once in a while I’ll send a text message. I only knew I couldn’t keep going like I was, always waiting to hear any word from him, I had to stop expecting anything from him…..it was almost me trying to let him off the hook….like if I didn’t seen stuff all the time to him then he wouldn’t feel obligated that he needed to send things back to me.  It’s hard to explain.

I never wanted to push C into doing anything that he wasn’t ready or comfortable with. In my gut I kept feeling that at this time in his life he just wasn’t ready for all of this. Can blame it on busy schedules or whatever. I only knew in my heart I had to take the pressure off of him and even myself.  How was I ever to heal or mend my own heart is I only kept holding on to all the “what ifs” or “whys”.  I had to let go of things the best way that I can. I’ve spent so many years beating myself up, hating what I did, never totally understanding, always wanting more, always longing for more, knowing that I can’t make people be or do what I think or want them to do.  NO I never heard from Cs parents, they never called or wrote to any of my letters. I had to except that’s the way it’s going to be.

At one time I did find out by going online that C was engaged (even though now the engagement is off) but I was really hurt that I had to find out like most others by reading it online. I sent an email to him, even though at the time he said he didn’t read it cause he knew what it said, he did send me an email saying he didn’t tell me yet because he wanted me to be there but just didn’t know how to basically put me there as more then just a common guest. I can say I wasn’t sure how to take any of it.  I understand I guess him wanting all his family to be there the day he does ever decide to marry, and I guess it maybe hard to figure out how to bring the 2 families together. I’m still clueless as to how his parents feel about me or anything cause they’ve never tried to reach out to me. So there’s that part of me that would look very forward to the day C was to ever get married and the 2 families could finally be in the same place to where I would get the chance to meet his parents.  There’s the other half of me that thinks that just may not be a really good thing neither. For C I would be the grown adult and go, put my best foot forward and celebrate his event and be happy for him and grateful that he wanted me there. I know it could be stressful “if” his parents really would rather me NOT be there and they show their displeasure. In NO way would I want C to feel uncomfortable with me being there on his special day. I mean really I missed everything else big in his life and was never a part of any celebrations so I really don’t want to interfere in anything.

I’ve  said it before and I guess there’s still that part of me that feels the same way. I’m just a “birth-mother” who gave him life and now I only stand in the shadows of his life. I’ve come to except my place in his life, it’s not a really big place but it’s the knowledge we both have that I’m his “birth-mother”

I really don’t know how much I’ll write on this one anymore. Maybe one day when things “may” change I can. I really don’t see the point in it really, write….write about what?  I think I’ll move on to the other blogs I created where there’s not a certain topic to discuss, like here with adoptions…. Go to a place where I can say each day how it’s going, to post some wacky crazy thing that I find so funny, or pour my heart out if i want to, or ramble about how crazy the weathers been lately.  I only know in my heart that I have to let go of the adoption issues that I really have NO control over anymore.

We all have to keep living our own life as we see fit and what’s best for each of us. That’s really all anyone can expect right??? Sure one may make mistakes along the way and there will be hills to climb but in the end life is just a learning game, we learn as we go along, no one person is more perfect then the other, we all have our own things that we have to go through. The one thing I’ll leave this with is to always try and learn from past mistakes, try and forgive others, and just love with all you have to give. Except people for who they are and not what you want them to be.

Nite

It’s Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write here and thought this would be a good time. It seems for whatever reason I have been in a real sour mood lately. Not sure if it’s just the winter blues that us northerns have to face each year. Spring just can’t come fast enough some years.

As for C well there’s not much to tell. I still wake up each morning and make the best of each day. I try not to put to much into his very little communication. We did talk for awhile online while he was at home for his Christmas break and for whatever reason he got disconnected. The next thing I knew he was calling me on the phone, we ended up talking for over an hour. I know he really has no clue on how much it means to me just for him to give me a little of his time. I just keep telling myself he’s only 19 years old and there is so much more exciting things to do then to chat with a mother that he really doesn’t know.

C says he’s coming to visit his sisters and I over spring break so I’m looking forward to that. I’m hoping these little visits will help move our relationship along. Then I know he’s coming back in August for a family get together. What makes it nice is these visits are something that he brings up that he wants to do. So I like that, it’s not like me pushing him into anything. That night on the phone I told C that I haven’t heard anything back from his parents after me sending the letter. He said his mother should send something back and if she doesn’t then he would be a little upset with her for not at least replying back.

Well I still haven’t heard anything from them. Maybe that’s where C gets his lack of communications from.  I don’t know what to make of it. I may try again to send a card in a few weeks or so and then if I don’t hear anything from them then I will just let it go. I can’t force anyone to do anything that they just don’t want to do. I just really thought it would be nice to get to know his parents and for them to get to know me. In my heart I just knew it would really be good for C to see his parents and I corresponding and trying to do what was best for him.

At times I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, I want so much more but willing to take what crumbs are giving to me. I ask myself I’m I wrong to want more from him and even his parents. I am the one who gave up all my rights. Would I be wrong to sit and write C and tell him that I need more (oh I feel that would only hurt things for us). I wonder if I am the only first mother that fears their child. I guess it’s feeling being rejected by that child. That as long as you have some part of them in your life then it’s better than not having them at all. I hate the feeling, I hate the control that one person can have over me, and especially when it’s my own child. Yes, it’s different because I didn’t raise this child, and this child doesn’t have the bond with me as he does his parents. Nevertheless, my heart hurts and I want my son to embrace me as his mother. I want the same respect as his mother gets. I just feel like this stranger that waits in hiding and every now and then my son will sneak a peek or give me this wave to satisfy me and maybe himself.

I always tell people that just because you found the child or vise verse doesn’t mean all is well and that your own heart will mend and be normal again. It seems it just opens up a whole new chapter of things to deal with that maybe one had never expected. Each story is different I know and sometimes it’s the first mother who holds back. As for me I never wanted to hold back from my child and I will continue to wait for him to come around and in the mean time be grateful for what he is willing to give me of his time.

OK that’s all for now time to move on to other things today.

It’s Been Awhile

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve wrote, there’s just been so much going on. I was sick with a cold for about two weeks and that just makes you feel so crappy that you don’t have much energy for anything. So now I feel like I can get back into the swing of things.

I did mail out that letter and a card to C’s parents. I talked to him the other night and he told me that he finally told his parents that he came to my house back in August. C says that his mom took it really well. I told him that I haven’t heard from them yet after I sent them the letter and card. He said they were waiting to talk to him about the letter before they replied. I guess I can understand that, my thinking is they want to see how he feels about any contact between his parents and I. Well now I will sit and wait for them to send something. I do hope it works out and that they will want to communicate with me. No matter what they are his parents and I want to make this all easier on C. I know that if he can see both his mom’s getting along then he will feel more comfortable. I know my relationship with C is between him and I however, his parents are a big part of his life and I know he don’t want to hurt them and neither do I. We will do as we please no matter how his parents feel but it will all be easier if his parents and I can get to know each other. C is grown now, there isn’t any reason to hide from me or keep everything a secret like it was when he was growing up.

As for my relationship with C well we talk every now and then. I did send him a text message last night at almost 3 am because I knew he would be up. I didn’t expect a reply because I know how he is but before I could even close my phone after sending the text my phone was ringing and it was him. He’s like what are you doing up so late. lol…….it was so wonderful to hear his voice. We just don’t talk on the phone, I guess that is still hard to do. I told my girls that we really need to call him more often and help this relationship move along. C did tell my oldest daughter don’t be shocked if he shows up on our door step after Christmas when he goes back to college from his Christmas break. I was like “oh yes”. I usually take my tree down the day after Christmas however this year if I know he’s coming sometime around Christmas even if it’s the beginning of January I just may have to keep that tree up longer this time. To have him around the holidays, to finally have a Christmas with him, some dreams do come true. It would be so wonderful for me and the kids.

Speaking of Christmas, I can’t believe how fast the holidays are approaching. I am never ready for them, I spend the last few weeks before Christmas shopping like a man woman. I really do hate shopping for gifts, I make my girls give me a list so that I will have something to go by. If it wasn’t for a list, I’d be walking around the stores looking like a lost puppy because I would have no clue on what to buy them. lol

What else, I have been communicating with an 18 year old girl who is 24 weeks pregnant and thinking about adoption. She is really so confused. She find me through a forum and wanted to hear my story so I told her and now each day we send emails back and worth. I’m just trying to give her the whole big picture and let her know it’s not all so peachy for all birth-mothers. She had that thinking that she wanted her child to have a mom and dad, I told her that is one big mistake we make in our thinking. That adoptive parents are no different then anyone else, they can divorce just as well and then there are those who abuse their children. It is very hard know if the parents you decide on are the right ones. I keep telling her to keep reading and do a lot of soul searching and if the time comes and she has any doubts then just don’t do it. The best way I could put it to her is, she could at least try and parent and then if she knew she just couldn’t do it then she could still place. However it she placed right off after birth then there is no changing your mind, it’s all done and over with. I also told her like I’ve heard so many times, don’t base your decision on the “now” because the now will change. No matter what I told her I will be here for her to try and help and if she does decide to place then she will need as much help from of birth-mothers after because we all know some of the hell we had to go through on those days when we just didn’t know how we were going to survive without our baby.

OK enough for tonight, it’s late. I just really had the need to right and get somethings out there.

Another Day

After sending C the lengthy email I waited for a reply with no luck. C & I did chat for a few minutes on aim the other day. It was short however it helped, then yesterday he was very chatty with my oldest. I don’t think C really realizes that this little chats help ease the mind and heart. I don’t say anything to him because I don’t’ want to put any pressures on him. I want C to do things as he wishes and is comfortable with.

I did sit this weekend and start writing that letter to Cs parents. Why is it so hard to write it? I guess I don’t want to say anything to upset them. Words just are not coming easy where they are concerned. I want to tell them that in no way am I trying to pull C away from them and that I can’t or won’t replace them. In a way I guess I just want to reassure them that my only intent is to get to know C and be a part of his life. I’m all for one day meeting them if they would like. My main concern is C and I don’t ever want him to feel torn between the two families. I don’t want him to ever feel pressured or feel that he can’t love all of us. I don’t know how his parents feel because it’s something C and I don’t really talk about. They know I’m around and I’m not sure if they are just letting him handle everything as he sees fit. I can’t deny the fact that they are his parents and will always be a part of his life. They are really all he knows as parents, so I respect that relationship and want them to know now that I found C. I’m not going to say “to hell with you both, I have what I want” I can’t do that to them or C. Oh yes, there is that envy of them because they have what I’ve always wanted, they have Cs total love, the memories of him growing up etc. Will that ever go away, I doubt it. I think as our relationship grows and we become comfortable with each other things will be different; we’re building our own memories now. Maybe if they have kept in contact with my through the years it would of be easier; however for their own reasons they stopped all contact when C was around 4 so now that makes it very hard on me to try and read their minds. How willing are they of this whole reunion thing, are they putting pressure on C I just want to stand united for C’s sake.
When one first thinks about placing a child for adoption and maybe even after. I don’t think most females have that true picture of how life really will be after placing. It’s not always this glamorous thing that is portrayed at times. The demons you will fight, the lost hopes, all the searching, the reunion with someone that you love so much who looks at you as a total stranger, the oh please don’t walk away from me now that we are reunited. Once you place your life will forever be changed and even after the reunion your still dealing with so many issues. Adoption can consume ones life, if you let it. There are times that no matter how much I bury myself in adoption issues I just have to walk away. I have to take a break, to clear out my mind. Sometimes the more you read, the more blogs you read, the heartaches can become to much for one person to take all the time. It can send you in such a depression that is so unreal to most on the outside. I just walk away, live my life, embrace the love that I do have around me, and count the blessings that I have been giving. Because no matter how hard I try the facts are just that; I’m a birth-mother by choice and all the adoption issues will always be a part of my life. I am one of those birth-mothers that just never comprehended how placing my own child would destroy my life. That it would take me years to try and repair some of the damage I caused. It took so long to be able to like myself and not feel so damn ashamed for placing my son. I hated myself and everything there was to do with adoption and some of the lies that were told in order for someone to become parents. Do I blame adopted parents, NO not really because I can’t say maybe what lies were told to them. I can’t and won’t ever speak for adoptive parents because I don’t walk in their shoes as I don’t want anyone to judge me for my thoughts and feelings. I live the life and feel the pain of carrying a child and placing that child in the hands of another, never realizing that I was signing my own worse nightmare. A nightmare that just won’t ever go away.

I look into my heart and say I know one day I will probable feel a lot better about things. At this time though, during the so called process it’s so damn hard. I’m a mother, begging on the inside for my son to love me, give me what he gives his adoptive parents. I really don’t like the fact that so much of my happiness comes from a comment or a note from C because with just a note my whole day is so much brighter. Maybe that sounds very strange, it’s just I don’t want someone to have that much control over me, that  knowing it can pull my heart-strings from happy to sad. Yes, I am in a wonderful place in my life , but there is this side of my heart that can change with what C gives me. My family really don’t know it, because they see that my life is going on as always. I can smile and laugh with them, I can continue with my daily task, it’s on the inside that one part of my heart is for C that can take control over the inside emotions I feel. If I’m down I can consume myself in my own thoughts and relive the whole thing. I can view other peoples blogs or websites and know that I’m really not alone in my pain, that there are so many others out there that deal with the same things I do, we’re just strangers to each others sharing common feelings.

I rambled and gone on enough for today……time to get up and do my daily routine of things like clean a house and think about whats for dinner. Life does go on!

I really don’t like feeling the way that I do. I want to stop worrying so much about C  and why he doesn’t do the things I wished he would. I sent C a long email the other night giving him an update on how everyone was doing around here. I’m still waiting for any kind of reply. I know if I asked him anything he would say he’s just really busy, because that is usually what I hear. I  feel so far apart from him. I almost feel that if I never sent another thing to him then he would  go right on with his life. OK, maybe I’m not being fair about that; I  don’t know any other way to feel. I hear the word “time” from so many other people that it takes time. I am aware of the time factor, I just don’t understand how we are ever going to grow and move in our relationship if it’s always only one sided.

I think this weekend I will sit down and right to Cs parents. I have been putting it off for to long now. I guess because I’m really not all sure what I will say to them. I know I can’t even really let on to the fact that C and I have met face to face. I’m not sure if he shared that information with them as of yet. I  shouldn’t care what they know or don’t know however for respect to him I will not say anything.

My view on things maybe different then some others. I feel totally that my relationship with C doesn’t have anything to do with his parents and he shouldn’t have to tell them anything if he doesn’t want to. He’s a grown adult and his life is his. I think it would be wonderful if he can tell his parents all about our reunion etc. I’m just not sure how his parents are and he maybe afraid to hurt them, I can understand. On the other hand I feel that if he doesn’t want to share things with me about his parents then that is fine also. We are not one big happy family. We are just people who share one thing in common and that is the love for C.  There are so many times I wished things were different and maybe one day they will be. I would love to meet Cs parents and reassure them that they don’t have nothing to worry about with me. I can never replace them, and don’t want to replace them. To C they are his parents and 19 years ago I choose them to be the parents. I would like to know them and the kind of people they are, I want them to share stories with me on his childhood. OK maybe I’m crazy for even thinking that one because they wouldn’t share them with me through the years so why would they now, right!

I guess I feel that if this is really something C wants then his parents should welcome it and respect what he wants. I know it has to be hard on them, I know I would have a hard time with it myself. I would try to make it as easy on my child as I could. If I was to put up a fight to much with it then that may drive a wedge between us.

I’m rambling now I know….I’m just lost and confused because I really don’t have answers. I’m just sitting waiting for any piece of crumb that is handed to me. I take what I can get, but oh how my heart wants and needs more.

Is there really truly and end in this adoption story? I don’t think so; I will always be looked at as “the birth-mother” . His parents will  be “the parents” as if I’m just a shadow in the background.

I’ve always told people I don’t except anyone to understand the way that I feel. I can never put myself in a woman’s shoes who can’t have a child. I can’t never put myself in an adoptees shoes for I’m not adopted. So I can’t judge anyone else, just as I don’t want anyone to judge me for feeling the way that I do. For many of us, adoption is just a big part of our life’s that we just couldn’t do what was expected of us, FORGET. I can’t never forget the day I walked away from C. I relive it ever year at his birthday. Each thing that would happen it was like a part of me was missing.  I will probable become some old lady in my 70’s and still be sitting here saying the same things as I say today. The pain is still real and life will never be the same. I’ve heard it said before, being reunited doesn’t make it all better, so true. Yes, you have finally met face to face and all the sweet things that may go along with the meeting, however now you have to learn to live and do things a little differently. Instead of sitting on-line for hours on end searching for the child now you spend the time trying to figure out how to make your new relationship work where everyone is happy. Adoption doesn’t come with a handbook on all the dos and don’t. There’s not a book out there that can tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. It’s really something each person has to deal with in their own way. C says it’s a process and that it is, a process that needs to be taken with baby steps to maybe ensure a wonderful future together.

Rambling is over with for tonight. Going to get up early in the morning to go babysit my sweet granddaughter. The baby is so full of life and puts a smile on anyone’s face.

One thing I know is C. was right it is a process. C. went back to school and I continued with life. It seems these days we just don’t talk as much as I would like. He’s always busy with school and hanging out; just living the college life.

I try very hard not to get my feelings hurt that C. doesn’t chat as much or send messages to me. I just keep saying he’s a kid and having fun etc. comes first. I’m the last thing on his mind sometimes. It hurts some because I know he does keep up with his parents and I would like to have that myself. I feel how are we suppose to build a relationship if commucation is so little. It’s all very hard and very hard on the heart.

I’m giving C. his space, at least once a week I will leave him a message on aim. I send him a card through regular mail every now and then just to let him know I’m thinking about him. I’ve heard so many say sometimes it just takes time and space to take it all in.

I’ve wondered so many times would it be easier if C. was older with a family or is it better meeting him now like I did. I think either way it’s the same. It all just takes time.

I have still not sent a letter to Cs. parents; I told him I was going to. I feel that it is something I should do. His parents did a great job at raising him, they did just as I wanted, they gave him the life I couldn’t at the time. No matter how hurt I was and maybe still am because they shut the door on me so many years ago, I still have the respect for them as his parents. I can’t hold on forever with the bitterness of what should of been. No I can’t go back and watch C. grow up. Those day are lost and never to be brought back. Yes, I still long for the baby that he was and wonder if that will ever go away. I do welcome the young man he has become.

This is where we’re at now and I will continue writting now that most of the past is brought to life.

Being Reunited at Last

Well the day finally arrived, C was sending us text messages letting us know where he was at on his travels. It’s about a 7 hour drive from his college to my house. The girls and I were sitting on the front porch knowing they would be here any minute. My 14 year old knew how nervous I was and she was sitting next to me say, “mom it’s going to be OK, your finally going to meet your son.” she was so sweet and tender, not knowing how she was tearing at my heart. Here they come up the street, the girls and I always had this thing between us of who was going to hug his first. Well as soon as he got out of the car I stood up but couldn’t move my feet, I was already crying. Both my girls took each side of me and said, “come on mom he’s right there finally” I went to him and he welcomed me with a nice warm embrace. I felt so alive to have him in my arms again. I didn’t hold on to him forever. I knew everyone else was just standing around us. C and his friends spent from Sunday till Wednesday with us and let me tell you; I couldn’t ask for anything better. We all felt like one big happy family. We would all just sit around and talk about the boys and things they did in school, we talked about family things. C didn’t ask any questions just like he didn’t ask to many when we chatted online, he always said he would just learn things as they come. I still couldn’t help feel that it was strange that he just didn’t ask anything. During the visit, I kept my distance, I didn’t want to smother him with all these hugs etc. Of course we took all those pics which all the kids just hated, however they all wanted copies of lol. The boys were so opened about themselves. There were things I planned to do like bring out the photo albums for C to see and that never happened things were just so relaxing that the time just slipped away. One night C was showing me some pics he had on his laptop and when we were done I told him to come downstairs to where just him and I could have some time alone. I showed him the  first outfit that my mother had bought for him and the journals I kept my writing in all these years. I told him I wanted him to have them but I kept them on my desk and after awhile I kind of pushed them away. Something another birth-mother said on a blog I read made me think ( I couldn’t put my pain on my child) it’s my pain not his. C knew that I regretted giving him up and I lived in hell over it for all these years. I told him I didn’t want or needed to live in that kind of hell anymore, that I finally had him in my life. We talked downstairs for a few hours, just standing there talking.

I asked C if his parents knew he was coming for a visit he said no, that he would tell them after the fact. I didn’t say anything, that was his decision as to what or when he would tell his parents anything.

The day came when they had to leave, it was hard but I was strong. I even felt that C was a little upset about leaving. The boys left and for awhile the girls and I just missed them so much. They are so full of life and kept us laughing so much.

Where do we go from here?

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