I really don’t like feeling the way that I do. I want to stop worrying so much about C and why he doesn’t do the things I wished he would. I sent C a long email the other night giving him an update on how everyone was doing around here. I’m still waiting for any kind of reply. I know if I asked him anything he would say he’s just really busy, because that is usually what I hear. I feel so far apart from him. I almost feel that if I never sent another thing to him then he would go right on with his life. OK, maybe I’m not being fair about that; I don’t know any other way to feel. I hear the word “time” from so many other people that it takes time. I am aware of the time factor, I just don’t understand how we are ever going to grow and move in our relationship if it’s always only one sided.
I think this weekend I will sit down and right to Cs parents. I have been putting it off for to long now. I guess because I’m really not all sure what I will say to them. I know I can’t even really let on to the fact that C and I have met face to face. I’m not sure if he shared that information with them as of yet. I shouldn’t care what they know or don’t know however for respect to him I will not say anything.
My view on things maybe different then some others. I feel totally that my relationship with C doesn’t have anything to do with his parents and he shouldn’t have to tell them anything if he doesn’t want to. He’s a grown adult and his life is his. I think it would be wonderful if he can tell his parents all about our reunion etc. I’m just not sure how his parents are and he maybe afraid to hurt them, I can understand. On the other hand I feel that if he doesn’t want to share things with me about his parents then that is fine also. We are not one big happy family. We are just people who share one thing in common and that is the love for C. There are so many times I wished things were different and maybe one day they will be. I would love to meet Cs parents and reassure them that they don’t have nothing to worry about with me. I can never replace them, and don’t want to replace them. To C they are his parents and 19 years ago I choose them to be the parents. I would like to know them and the kind of people they are, I want them to share stories with me on his childhood. OK maybe I’m crazy for even thinking that one because they wouldn’t share them with me through the years so why would they now, right!
I guess I feel that if this is really something C wants then his parents should welcome it and respect what he wants. I know it has to be hard on them, I know I would have a hard time with it myself. I would try to make it as easy on my child as I could. If I was to put up a fight to much with it then that may drive a wedge between us.
I’m rambling now I know….I’m just lost and confused because I really don’t have answers. I’m just sitting waiting for any piece of crumb that is handed to me. I take what I can get, but oh how my heart wants and needs more.
Is there really truly and end in this adoption story? I don’t think so; I will always be looked at as “the birth-mother” . His parents will be “the parents” as if I’m just a shadow in the background.
I’ve always told people I don’t except anyone to understand the way that I feel. I can never put myself in a woman’s shoes who can’t have a child. I can’t never put myself in an adoptees shoes for I’m not adopted. So I can’t judge anyone else, just as I don’t want anyone to judge me for feeling the way that I do. For many of us, adoption is just a big part of our life’s that we just couldn’t do what was expected of us, FORGET. I can’t never forget the day I walked away from C. I relive it ever year at his birthday. Each thing that would happen it was like a part of me was missing. I will probable become some old lady in my 70’s and still be sitting here saying the same things as I say today. The pain is still real and life will never be the same. I’ve heard it said before, being reunited doesn’t make it all better, so true. Yes, you have finally met face to face and all the sweet things that may go along with the meeting, however now you have to learn to live and do things a little differently. Instead of sitting on-line for hours on end searching for the child now you spend the time trying to figure out how to make your new relationship work where everyone is happy. Adoption doesn’t come with a handbook on all the dos and don’t. There’s not a book out there that can tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. It’s really something each person has to deal with in their own way. C says it’s a process and that it is, a process that needs to be taken with baby steps to maybe ensure a wonderful future together.
Rambling is over with for tonight. Going to get up early in the morning to go babysit my sweet granddaughter. The baby is so full of life and puts a smile on anyone’s face.
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