It’s been way to long since I took the time to write her. I actually created a few other blogs that I never did anything with. However in the past couple of months I realized I needed to make some changes with my life because I’ve been in such a depression for the past 3 yrs for sure. So many things happened in the past 4 years that I never had time to deal with one issues before another one was coming my way. Some where after everything settled down and all around me was calmer I realized I wasn’t in the right place myself. That I needed to make changes in my own life. So I started seeing a doctor to work through the depression and started taking meds. I’m feeling a lot better, I can only take one step at a time and one day at a time.
Now this is blog is about adoption and the after life of reunion right? Well I really don’t know much these days about all of that. C did come for our family gathering in 2007. He brought his girlfriend with him which she seemed like a sweet girl. Nice visit with all the family.
I’ve had to really learn to let go of C. Knowing that at this time in his life he really doesn’t have time or room for all this extra family stuff. He may try and call me on my birthday or mothers day, or he’ll send a message. But they are so few and far between. I’ve really stopped sending things to him as in letters like I use to. I send the holiday cards or when I have new pictures to send and every once in a while I’ll send a text message. I only knew I couldn’t keep going like I was, always waiting to hear any word from him, I had to stop expecting anything from him…..it was almost me trying to let him off the hook….like if I didn’t seen stuff all the time to him then he wouldn’t feel obligated that he needed to send things back to me. It’s hard to explain.
I never wanted to push C into doing anything that he wasn’t ready or comfortable with. In my gut I kept feeling that at this time in his life he just wasn’t ready for all of this. Can blame it on busy schedules or whatever. I only knew in my heart I had to take the pressure off of him and even myself. How was I ever to heal or mend my own heart is I only kept holding on to all the “what ifs” or “whys”. I had to let go of things the best way that I can. I’ve spent so many years beating myself up, hating what I did, never totally understanding, always wanting more, always longing for more, knowing that I can’t make people be or do what I think or want them to do. NO I never heard from Cs parents, they never called or wrote to any of my letters. I had to except that’s the way it’s going to be.
At one time I did find out by going online that C was engaged (even though now the engagement is off) but I was really hurt that I had to find out like most others by reading it online. I sent an email to him, even though at the time he said he didn’t read it cause he knew what it said, he did send me an email saying he didn’t tell me yet because he wanted me to be there but just didn’t know how to basically put me there as more then just a common guest. I can say I wasn’t sure how to take any of it. I understand I guess him wanting all his family to be there the day he does ever decide to marry, and I guess it maybe hard to figure out how to bring the 2 families together. I’m still clueless as to how his parents feel about me or anything cause they’ve never tried to reach out to me. So there’s that part of me that would look very forward to the day C was to ever get married and the 2 families could finally be in the same place to where I would get the chance to meet his parents. There’s the other half of me that thinks that just may not be a really good thing neither. For C I would be the grown adult and go, put my best foot forward and celebrate his event and be happy for him and grateful that he wanted me there. I know it could be stressful “if” his parents really would rather me NOT be there and they show their displeasure. In NO way would I want C to feel uncomfortable with me being there on his special day. I mean really I missed everything else big in his life and was never a part of any celebrations so I really don’t want to interfere in anything.
I’ve said it before and I guess there’s still that part of me that feels the same way. I’m just a “birth-mother” who gave him life and now I only stand in the shadows of his life. I’ve come to except my place in his life, it’s not a really big place but it’s the knowledge we both have that I’m his “birth-mother”
I really don’t know how much I’ll write on this one anymore. Maybe one day when things “may” change I can. I really don’t see the point in it really, write….write about what? I think I’ll move on to the other blogs I created where there’s not a certain topic to discuss, like here with adoptions…. Go to a place where I can say each day how it’s going, to post some wacky crazy thing that I find so funny, or pour my heart out if i want to, or ramble about how crazy the weathers been lately. I only know in my heart that I have to let go of the adoption issues that I really have NO control over anymore.
We all have to keep living our own life as we see fit and what’s best for each of us. That’s really all anyone can expect right??? Sure one may make mistakes along the way and there will be hills to climb but in the end life is just a learning game, we learn as we go along, no one person is more perfect then the other, we all have our own things that we have to go through. The one thing I’ll leave this with is to always try and learn from past mistakes, try and forgive others, and just love with all you have to give. Except people for who they are and not what you want them to be.