Another Day

After sending C the lengthy email I waited for a reply with no luck. C & I did chat for a few minutes on aim the other day. It was short however it helped, then yesterday he was very chatty with my oldest. I don’t think C really realizes that this little chats help ease the mind and heart. I don’t say anything to him because I don’t’ want to put any pressures on him. I want C to do things as he wishes and is comfortable with.

I did sit this weekend and start writing that letter to Cs parents. Why is it so hard to write it? I guess I don’t want to say anything to upset them. Words just are not coming easy where they are concerned. I want to tell them that in no way am I trying to pull C away from them and that I can’t or won’t replace them. In a way I guess I just want to reassure them that my only intent is to get to know C and be a part of his life. I’m all for one day meeting them if they would like. My main concern is C and I don’t ever want him to feel torn between the two families. I don’t want him to ever feel pressured or feel that he can’t love all of us. I don’t know how his parents feel because it’s something C and I don’t really talk about. They know I’m around and I’m not sure if they are just letting him handle everything as he sees fit. I can’t deny the fact that they are his parents and will always be a part of his life. They are really all he knows as parents, so I respect that relationship and want them to know now that I found C. I’m not going to say “to hell with you both, I have what I want” I can’t do that to them or C. Oh yes, there is that envy of them because they have what I’ve always wanted, they have Cs total love, the memories of him growing up etc. Will that ever go away, I doubt it. I think as our relationship grows and we become comfortable with each other things will be different; we’re building our own memories now. Maybe if they have kept in contact with my through the years it would of be easier; however for their own reasons they stopped all contact when C was around 4 so now that makes it very hard on me to try and read their minds. How willing are they of this whole reunion thing, are they putting pressure on C I just want to stand united for C’s sake.
When one first thinks about placing a child for adoption and maybe even after. I don’t think most females have that true picture of how life really will be after placing. It’s not always this glamorous thing that is portrayed at times. The demons you will fight, the lost hopes, all the searching, the reunion with someone that you love so much who looks at you as a total stranger, the oh please don’t walk away from me now that we are reunited. Once you place your life will forever be changed and even after the reunion your still dealing with so many issues. Adoption can consume ones life, if you let it. There are times that no matter how much I bury myself in adoption issues I just have to walk away. I have to take a break, to clear out my mind. Sometimes the more you read, the more blogs you read, the heartaches can become to much for one person to take all the time. It can send you in such a depression that is so unreal to most on the outside. I just walk away, live my life, embrace the love that I do have around me, and count the blessings that I have been giving. Because no matter how hard I try the facts are just that; I’m a birth-mother by choice and all the adoption issues will always be a part of my life. I am one of those birth-mothers that just never comprehended how placing my own child would destroy my life. That it would take me years to try and repair some of the damage I caused. It took so long to be able to like myself and not feel so damn ashamed for placing my son. I hated myself and everything there was to do with adoption and some of the lies that were told in order for someone to become parents. Do I blame adopted parents, NO not really because I can’t say maybe what lies were told to them. I can’t and won’t ever speak for adoptive parents because I don’t walk in their shoes as I don’t want anyone to judge me for my thoughts and feelings. I live the life and feel the pain of carrying a child and placing that child in the hands of another, never realizing that I was signing my own worse nightmare. A nightmare that just won’t ever go away.

I look into my heart and say I know one day I will probable feel a lot better about things. At this time though, during the so called process it’s so damn hard. I’m a mother, begging on the inside for my son to love me, give me what he gives his adoptive parents. I really don’t like the fact that so much of my happiness comes from a comment or a note from C because with just a note my whole day is so much brighter. Maybe that sounds very strange, it’s just I don’t want someone to have that much control over me, that  knowing it can pull my heart-strings from happy to sad. Yes, I am in a wonderful place in my life , but there is this side of my heart that can change with what C gives me. My family really don’t know it, because they see that my life is going on as always. I can smile and laugh with them, I can continue with my daily task, it’s on the inside that one part of my heart is for C that can take control over the inside emotions I feel. If I’m down I can consume myself in my own thoughts and relive the whole thing. I can view other peoples blogs or websites and know that I’m really not alone in my pain, that there are so many others out there that deal with the same things I do, we’re just strangers to each others sharing common feelings.

I rambled and gone on enough for today……time to get up and do my daily routine of things like clean a house and think about whats for dinner. Life does go on!

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I Don’t Like Feeling Like This

I really don’t like feeling the way that I do. I want to stop worrying so much about C  and why he doesn’t do the things I wished he would. I sent C a long email the other night giving him an update on how everyone was doing around here. I’m still waiting for any kind of reply. I know if I asked him anything he would say he’s just really busy, because that is usually what I hear. I  feel so far apart from him. I almost feel that if I never sent another thing to him then he would  go right on with his life. OK, maybe I’m not being fair about that; I  don’t know any other way to feel. I hear the word “time” from so many other people that it takes time. I am aware of the time factor, I just don’t understand how we are ever going to grow and move in our relationship if it’s always only one sided.

I think this weekend I will sit down and right to Cs parents. I have been putting it off for to long now. I guess because I’m really not all sure what I will say to them. I know I can’t even really let on to the fact that C and I have met face to face. I’m not sure if he shared that information with them as of yet. I  shouldn’t care what they know or don’t know however for respect to him I will not say anything.

My view on things maybe different then some others. I feel totally that my relationship with C doesn’t have anything to do with his parents and he shouldn’t have to tell them anything if he doesn’t want to. He’s a grown adult and his life is his. I think it would be wonderful if he can tell his parents all about our reunion etc. I’m just not sure how his parents are and he maybe afraid to hurt them, I can understand. On the other hand I feel that if he doesn’t want to share things with me about his parents then that is fine also. We are not one big happy family. We are just people who share one thing in common and that is the love for C.  There are so many times I wished things were different and maybe one day they will be. I would love to meet Cs parents and reassure them that they don’t have nothing to worry about with me. I can never replace them, and don’t want to replace them. To C they are his parents and 19 years ago I choose them to be the parents. I would like to know them and the kind of people they are, I want them to share stories with me on his childhood. OK maybe I’m crazy for even thinking that one because they wouldn’t share them with me through the years so why would they now, right!

I guess I feel that if this is really something C wants then his parents should welcome it and respect what he wants. I know it has to be hard on them, I know I would have a hard time with it myself. I would try to make it as easy on my child as I could. If I was to put up a fight to much with it then that may drive a wedge between us.

I’m rambling now I know….I’m just lost and confused because I really don’t have answers. I’m just sitting waiting for any piece of crumb that is handed to me. I take what I can get, but oh how my heart wants and needs more.

Is there really truly and end in this adoption story? I don’t think so; I will always be looked at as “the birth-mother” . His parents will  be “the parents” as if I’m just a shadow in the background.

I’ve always told people I don’t except anyone to understand the way that I feel. I can never put myself in a woman’s shoes who can’t have a child. I can’t never put myself in an adoptees shoes for I’m not adopted. So I can’t judge anyone else, just as I don’t want anyone to judge me for feeling the way that I do. For many of us, adoption is just a big part of our life’s that we just couldn’t do what was expected of us, FORGET. I can’t never forget the day I walked away from C. I relive it ever year at his birthday. Each thing that would happen it was like a part of me was missing.  I will probable become some old lady in my 70’s and still be sitting here saying the same things as I say today. The pain is still real and life will never be the same. I’ve heard it said before, being reunited doesn’t make it all better, so true. Yes, you have finally met face to face and all the sweet things that may go along with the meeting, however now you have to learn to live and do things a little differently. Instead of sitting on-line for hours on end searching for the child now you spend the time trying to figure out how to make your new relationship work where everyone is happy. Adoption doesn’t come with a handbook on all the dos and don’t. There’s not a book out there that can tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. It’s really something each person has to deal with in their own way. C says it’s a process and that it is, a process that needs to be taken with baby steps to maybe ensure a wonderful future together.

Rambling is over with for tonight. Going to get up early in the morning to go babysit my sweet granddaughter. The baby is so full of life and puts a smile on anyone’s face.

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Where Do We Go From Here?

One thing I know is C. was right it is a process. C. went back to school and I continued with life. It seems these days we just don’t talk as much as I would like. He’s always busy with school and hanging out; just living the college life.

I try very hard not to get my feelings hurt that C. doesn’t chat as much or send messages to me. I just keep saying he’s a kid and having fun etc. comes first. I’m the last thing on his mind sometimes. It hurts some because I know he does keep up with his parents and I would like to have that myself. I feel how are we suppose to build a relationship if commucation is so little. It’s all very hard and very hard on the heart.

I’m giving C. his space, at least once a week I will leave him a message on aim. I send him a card through regular mail every now and then just to let him know I’m thinking about him. I’ve heard so many say sometimes it just takes time and space to take it all in.

I’ve wondered so many times would it be easier if C. was older with a family or is it better meeting him now like I did. I think either way it’s the same. It all just takes time.

I have still not sent a letter to Cs. parents; I told him I was going to. I feel that it is something I should do. His parents did a great job at raising him, they did just as I wanted, they gave him the life I couldn’t at the time. No matter how hurt I was and maybe still am because they shut the door on me so many years ago, I still have the respect for them as his parents. I can’t hold on forever with the bitterness of what should of been. No I can’t go back and watch C. grow up. Those day are lost and never to be brought back. Yes, I still long for the baby that he was and wonder if that will ever go away. I do welcome the young man he has become.

This is where we’re at now and I will continue writting now that most of the past is brought to life.

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Being Reunited at Last

Well the day finally arrived, C was sending us text messages letting us know where he was at on his travels. It’s about a 7 hour drive from his college to my house. The girls and I were sitting on the front porch knowing they would be here any minute. My 14 year old knew how nervous I was and she was sitting next to me say, “mom it’s going to be OK, your finally going to meet your son.” she was so sweet and tender, not knowing how she was tearing at my heart. Here they come up the street, the girls and I always had this thing between us of who was going to hug his first. Well as soon as he got out of the car I stood up but couldn’t move my feet, I was already crying. Both my girls took each side of me and said, “come on mom he’s right there finally” I went to him and he welcomed me with a nice warm embrace. I felt so alive to have him in my arms again. I didn’t hold on to him forever. I knew everyone else was just standing around us. C and his friends spent from Sunday till Wednesday with us and let me tell you; I couldn’t ask for anything better. We all felt like one big happy family. We would all just sit around and talk about the boys and things they did in school, we talked about family things. C didn’t ask any questions just like he didn’t ask to many when we chatted online, he always said he would just learn things as they come. I still couldn’t help feel that it was strange that he just didn’t ask anything. During the visit, I kept my distance, I didn’t want to smother him with all these hugs etc. Of course we took all those pics which all the kids just hated, however they all wanted copies of lol. The boys were so opened about themselves. There were things I planned to do like bring out the photo albums for C to see and that never happened things were just so relaxing that the time just slipped away. One night C was showing me some pics he had on his laptop and when we were done I told him to come downstairs to where just him and I could have some time alone. I showed him the  first outfit that my mother had bought for him and the journals I kept my writing in all these years. I told him I wanted him to have them but I kept them on my desk and after awhile I kind of pushed them away. Something another birth-mother said on a blog I read made me think ( I couldn’t put my pain on my child) it’s my pain not his. C knew that I regretted giving him up and I lived in hell over it for all these years. I told him I didn’t want or needed to live in that kind of hell anymore, that I finally had him in my life. We talked downstairs for a few hours, just standing there talking.

I asked C if his parents knew he was coming for a visit he said no, that he would tell them after the fact. I didn’t say anything, that was his decision as to what or when he would tell his parents anything.

The day came when they had to leave, it was hard but I was strong. I even felt that C was a little upset about leaving. The boys left and for awhile the girls and I just missed them so much. They are so full of life and kept us laughing so much.

Where do we go from here?

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Keeping the Fears Under Control

C. told me that he would call me when he was driving back to Texas. He knew he would be in the truck for hours and that would be a great time to talk. Well things didn’t work out like that because he took his friend back to Texas with him. C. did call me though on his way and to finally hear his voice was so welcoming. We only talked for a few minutes. It had that strange feeling for me and I know he probably felt the same way. We were really strangers and that just couldn’t be hidden no matter how much I wanted things to be different.

My biggest fear I guess is that C. would get the information he wanted and would not want anything else to do with me. I just feared he would disappear out of my life. I just don’t think I could ever handle losing him all over again.

C. always told me that he was a busy person and at times I could see that. It always seemed everyone wanted a piece of him and he was always willing to go have fun. No I don’t blame him, hey he’s a 19 year old kid. C. made it back to Texas and sent me a text message that he was ok. Once he was there my feeling went totally crazy. I tried to hide it all from C. the best that I could. I just wasn’t talking to him and thought that he would want to talk to us but everyone and everything came first before the girls and I. I made a comment to him one day about wishing I was higher on his list he said one day I will be but it was a process that we had to go through; that it wasn’t going to happen over night. I knew this however my heart was longing for more. After awhile a pattern developed, C. would go a couple of days not sending any messages then he would spend a little of his time with me catching up. Now I was a little more at ease. He told me his mom and him talked about the whole thing but C. never went into any details. C. also didn’t ask her for the stuff I sent him over the years.

Cs. birthday was in July and he knew I would be calling him. I made that phone call on his birthday and it was so great to finally be able to wish my son a Happy Birthday, finally!

C. sent me a message one day and asked when the 14 year old went back to school. I told him when she went back and asked why. He said he would like to come to my house to meet us face to face, he had time before school started. I was so thrilled and more thrilled that it was C. who brought it up. Up until this point I never said anything about meeting, just that one day we would. The girls and I figured that some how it would take place after he got back to school but didn’t know how, meaning we wasn’t sure if we would have to go there or he would come here. Now we had the answer. After C. was back in the state where he attends school, he sent me a message asking if it would be ok if he brought two of his close friends with him when he comes. I said ok knowing it may help him coming here if he had some back up. One of the friends was the one we were already talking to on-line. The days rolled by and my nerves were fried. I shopped for all the boys and bought his two friends a T-shirt from our state. I bought C. one also plus a few other things. A few years ago I made him a scrapbook of pics of him and I when he was born, pages of each of his siblings, pages of me growing up, pages of his birth father and a few pages of my two sisters and their children and my parents and grandparents.

Now I sat and waited for him to make it. We both knew that I would be very emotional and he was prepared for this. I wondered how he was going to handle it when he saw me. Would he embrace me or would be stand back.

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My Heart Just Skipped A Beat!

I went on with every day life. Helping to take care of my granddaughter while daughter worked and tried to get on her feet as a single mother. I also had a lot of issues with my 14 years old daughter, she was kinda of lost in her own world and trying to find herself. One day I will post more on her story, for now she is doing very well and I’m proud of the change she has made in the past year.

Here it is almost a year later from the time I sent C. the letter with all my information on how to contact me. I always prayed that C. would contact me on his own one day and would welcome us all into his life. On the other hand I tried not to set my hopes to high because there was always that doubt in the back of my mind that he would be very bitter and not want a thing to do with me. Even though I continued to search for him I really didn’t have a clue on what my next plan would be and what I would even do if I found him. I just kept praying that he would come to me. I kept telling my family that C. may not ever contact me, or he may wait until he has a wife and child of his own. I knew a young almost 19 year old boy may not welcome a new family. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how boys are so much different than girls. A girl would probable more willing and have the need to just know, full of questions that she would have.

All I knew was after all these years my heart still had this ache and no one or nothing could make it go away. Sometimes I wondered to myself when was it worse when C. was a baby or now when he was a legal adult? I think the ache was the same but when C. was little I craved my baby and all that I was missing.

On May 11th, it was kind of late; I was just playing around on the computer and went to MYSPACE. I was checking on my 14 year old daughter. I told her the only way I would allow her to have MYSPACE is if I was on her friends list and I had to have her password. What made me do it I have no clue because I’ve never did before however I did a search there for C. when his name appeared my heart skipped a beat. I clicked on his name so it would take me to his page and right there was his picture. All I kept say was “oh no” over and over again. My oldest daughter was upstairs on my laptop and the 14 year old was in her room on her computer. (yes we all have our own computers lol) I was crying so much, my oldest daughter was like “mom whats the matter and I just couldn’t answer her so she came downstairs. When she seen the screen she knew what was the matter with me. After a few minutes she went back upstairs to find his page herself. We both tore apart his page getting every piece of information we could get. By this time the 14 year old came around and asked what was going on. I showed her the pic and she’s like “mom are you sure that’s him” I said “I can look at his pic and see he’s my son,” he looks just like me and one of my other sons. He didn’t have a last name that was very common so that helped. Everything in his profile fit. We were able to see a few other pics that he had of himself and friends. He was in another state at college but still made reference that he was from Texas.

I really didn’t know what I was going to do next. Both my girls just looked at me and all I could tell them was “you girls can do what you want, I just need time to take this in.” They both jumped on it and sent him messages through email that he had through MYSPACE. I didn’t sleep a wink that night I was just looking through all this pages learning all there was to know about him. I learned that he was indeed a very smart child, a witty personality, and a loving heart. The girls went to bed and when they woke up there was a message to the 14 year old from C. He was thrilled and in shocked that when he woke up and seen he had two messages there from his sisters. Also the night they sent the messages C. and his girlfriend were just talking about him being adopted; so it just seemed so bizarre. C. gave the 14 year old his name on AIM and told her she could contact him. Later that day she seen that he was on-line and sent him a message they only chatted for a few minutes when she said, “Do you want to talk to mom,” he replied “yes, I would.” You can imagine the tears flowing and damn the typos. I told him this is not how I ever pictured our first conversation to be. He just laughed and said this is modern technology. We chatted for awhile and right off I found out a few things that I will list below.

• C.s mom told him that when he turned 18 he could have all the things that I sent him over the years. However he left for college a week after his 18th birthday and just didn’t feel right by asking her for the things knowing he was going 1000 miles away. He knew it was very hard on her when she told him about the things she had for him.

Ok I can totally understand his thinking and knew I was right the child does have a heart and didn’t want to hurt his mom

• C. has always been curious about his other family ever since he would remember. For legal reasons he didn’t have any information on us so there was no way he could find us.

I am still not sure if he even knew how many sisters or brothers he had here or anything else. C. has been protected of his adopted parents. If I asked a questions he would answer but never really gave to much information. I was ok with this because my main thing was wanting to know C. He said he had a great life and is very close to his father.

We went through many days of just chatting back and worth and had a few late late night chats just learning about each other. One of Cs. college buddies even sent me and the my girls a message wanting us to add him to our AIM so we could chat with him. We did, he was very chatty but was always asking me if there was anything I wanted to know about C. I gave him my adoption website and after awhile he said he totally understood while I placed him for adoption. C. told me he was waiting for his truck to get repaired then he was headed back to Texas for the summer. C. also said he would be kind of hard to chat once he was there. C. told his father that I found him, but wanted to wait until he was back home and after Mother’s Day before he told his mom. Well dad went ahead and told mom anyways before C. returned. C. says she’s ok. I know in my own heart she must be hurting how could she not. After all these years she never opened contact back up with me and here I was now very much a part of Cs. life. I knew she couldn’t be to pleased however was making life easier on C. by not putting her feelings out there. I respect her for that. C said his mother always knew that he wanted to find and get to know his other family.

The main thing I can say is C. did welcome us with that’s for sure. One day after sending a few emails to him I told him really didn’t know what to call myself and that’s the way it’s been for years. I always just put my name on all the cards and letters I sent to him in fear of upsetting his parents. C. sent me an email and said to call myself “mom” because that is who I was. Yes, you already know I cried once again. He said he would like to think he has two moms and we are both to contribute to who he is today.

This was all going so well I just was still in so much shock by it all and that he was so loving towards all of us. On Mother’s Day he posted a messages and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I told him it was the best one I ever had.

I just was enjoying the time I had with him and tried to keep all my fears under control.

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