C. told me that he would call me when he was driving back to Texas. He knew he would be in the truck for hours and that would be a great time to talk. Well things didn’t work out like that because he took his friend back to Texas with him. C. did call me though on his way and to finally hear his voice was so welcoming. We only talked for a few minutes. It had that strange feeling for me and I know he probably felt the same way. We were really strangers and that just couldn’t be hidden no matter how much I wanted things to be different.
My biggest fear I guess is that C. would get the information he wanted and would not want anything else to do with me. I just feared he would disappear out of my life. I just don’t think I could ever handle losing him all over again.
C. always told me that he was a busy person and at times I could see that. It always seemed everyone wanted a piece of him and he was always willing to go have fun. No I don’t blame him, hey he’s a 19 year old kid. C. made it back to Texas and sent me a text message that he was ok. Once he was there my feeling went totally crazy. I tried to hide it all from C. the best that I could. I just wasn’t talking to him and thought that he would want to talk to us but everyone and everything came first before the girls and I. I made a comment to him one day about wishing I was higher on his list he said one day I will be but it was a process that we had to go through; that it wasn’t going to happen over night. I knew this however my heart was longing for more. After awhile a pattern developed, C. would go a couple of days not sending any messages then he would spend a little of his time with me catching up. Now I was a little more at ease. He told me his mom and him talked about the whole thing but C. never went into any details. C. also didn’t ask her for the stuff I sent him over the years.
Cs. birthday was in July and he knew I would be calling him. I made that phone call on his birthday and it was so great to finally be able to wish my son a Happy Birthday, finally!
C. sent me a message one day and asked when the 14 year old went back to school. I told him when she went back and asked why. He said he would like to come to my house to meet us face to face, he had time before school started. I was so thrilled and more thrilled that it was C. who brought it up. Up until this point I never said anything about meeting, just that one day we would. The girls and I figured that some how it would take place after he got back to school but didn’t know how, meaning we wasn’t sure if we would have to go there or he would come here. Now we had the answer. After C. was back in the state where he attends school, he sent me a message asking if it would be ok if he brought two of his close friends with him when he comes. I said ok knowing it may help him coming here if he had some back up. One of the friends was the one we were already talking to on-line. The days rolled by and my nerves were fried. I shopped for all the boys and bought his two friends a T-shirt from our state. I bought C. one also plus a few other things. A few years ago I made him a scrapbook of pics of him and I when he was born, pages of each of his siblings, pages of me growing up, pages of his birth father and a few pages of my two sisters and their children and my parents and grandparents.
Now I sat and waited for him to make it. We both knew that I would be very emotional and he was prepared for this. I wondered how he was going to handle it when he saw me. Would he embrace me or would be stand back.
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